I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
