i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
