And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
