Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
