No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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