somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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