I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
