My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
