I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
