well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
