ya dads aren't the best wingmen
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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