The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
