So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
