every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
