that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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