Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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