found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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