Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
