My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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