i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
