New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
