worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i love accidental penises.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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