It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
