So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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