if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
