Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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