I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
