I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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