my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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