You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I smell like Dick and happiness
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
