I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
