Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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