I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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