the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
