Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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