we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
