You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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