you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
