I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
