Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
