Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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