Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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