i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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