Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
