I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
