So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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