Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
