Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
