Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
