He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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