I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
